Wednesday

Sorry for the extended break. This will be my first blog, in this particular blog, of 2009. Honestly I cant see myself writing in this one too much, ive switched to my new one, minimal at most, for most of my writing. Not to officially kill this one but I figured I'd post some stuff I wrote last year. Its nothing special but I used to keep a word document that I would write in every day for a few weeks and it would be made up memories or just daydreams. I havent edited them for punctuation but I removed some stuff because it was kind of personal. Hope you enjoy it.

I found an old Polaroid of us playing cards last summer that I don’t remember taking. Its old and faded, now turning a pretty shade of yellow. You are sitting on the floor, legs crossed,with a pair of black sunglasses balancing delicately on the edge of your nose. A wry smile hangs on the edge of your mouth. James is lying on the bed and none of us are looking at the camera. Our eyes are on the cards, frozen in time. I can hear the music playing low in the background. Your smile hangs and your eyes look tired. It’s a hot night outside and I miss that summer.

It’s November and I haven’t said a single word to her. You think that sitting next to the same girl two days out of each week, every week, for the past four months, you’d be able to find something to talk about. Not the case. She’s pretty though and I look at her out of the corner of my eye. She has brown hair and a thin layer of freckles on her nose. She seems nice enough.
Class hasn’t started yet and I’m trying to read a book to pass the time. I don’t know why I’m here fifteen minutes early. I guess I’m always afraid of missing something. I look out the window at the grey clouds and I can see the top of a tree as it blows in the wind. The professor comes in and begins to lecture and I wish I were outside.

I think about calling her but I decide against it. I don’t know why I’ve been thinking about her so much lately. It’s odd really.

I unpack everything and set it all up in my room just how I like it. I try and make it as close to my room at home.

I find a Polaroid of all of us from last summer. She’s there and we are playing cards on the floor in my room. A pair of black sunglasses balances on the edge of her nose. James is with us, lying on his back on my bed, holding his cards a few inches from his face. Music is playing low in the background, I concentrate on the drums, counting in my head to the beat; a hair line across the screen and a flash of red. You turn slowly and smile. It’s a hot night outside and I miss that summer.

I’m in the library now, wasting time. There’s a pretty girl behind me and quite a few in front of me. I may try getting a job at the library next year, it would be nice and quiet to work here. I wonder if that girl that I used to like works here, I used to think she did but I never see her anymore. I saw her today though. I was walking to class and walked right by me. She didn’t have her glasses on so I almost didn’t recognize her. Her hair was messy and she looked, for an instant, like Miranda July.

I went to lunch today and when I walked into the cafeteria a girl looked up and our eyes met. She was really pretty and I thought about smiling but didn’t. I don’t think I’ve ever just smiled at a random girl. I would have to at least know them, but I wish I would have with her. I would have liked to see her smile back at me.

The girl that sits next to me in class wont stop talking. She thinks she’s whispering but in reality she’s not. I can just picture the teacher saying something, stopping his lecture to ask her to be quiet. I kind of want him to so I can pay attention but if he calls her out everyone will turn and look at her and I will feel embarrassed since everyone will be looking at me too.

“Don’t look I cant stand for you to see me this way”
“No you look beautiful”
“No I don’t, youre just saying that to make me feel better.”
“No. really. I mean it.”
I brush the hair out of her eyes and she sniffles some more and takes a deep breath.
“I look horrible” she sobs and I hug her. She still has her arms to her eyes and I can feel her elbows digging into me with each heavy sob. “I’ve been crying for hours”
“shhhhhh” I hug her and soon her sobs go away. We just stand there in silence for a few minutes.
“Now are you ok?” I let go of her and put my hands on her shoulder, bending down to be eye level with her.
She nods her head.
“No more tears?”
She smiles and shakes her head to the side.
I pull her back in and give her one more hug and she whispers a thanks.

It’s cold outside, only a few days before Christmas, and I’ve got two sweaters on to keep warm. The clouds are grey and the sunlight seems to struggle to break free. We are sitting on the bench, Camilla and I, rocking slowly back and forth. She’s wearing a navy blue scarf knitted with snowflakes on, pulled all the way up to her nose to keep warm. She looks cute. She has her hands, in gloves, around a cup of hot chocolate. The steam rises slowly.
“Are you going anywhere for Christmas this year?”
She shakes her head no and pulls the scarf off of her mouth to take a sip of her hot chocolate.
“Well maybe we can do something special this year.”
“Like what?” she smiles.
“Oh I don’t know. Henry invited us to his Christmas party, if you want to go to that.”
“Sounds fun.”


If I have a conversation with her it will be something like this:
Hey do you think you can help me find this book?
Sure.
Oh wait didn’t I ask you about the zune last semester?
Hmmm I think so. I kind of remember it.
Oh well I got one anyways. Thanks to your recommendation.
(I hopes she laughs right here)
My names brian by the way. ( I give her my hand to shake)
Amelia.
Nice to meet you Amelia. Are you a freshman?
Yes
Cool me too. Whats your major?
Journalism.
Cool.
What about you?
Film and digital media.
Want to be a director?
Nah I don’t think so.
Oh.
Hey listen. I know this is odd and things like this only happen in movies but would you like to get coffee with me when youre not too busy?
(She'd smile sweetly and blush.)
Yeah. I'd like that.

Saturday

And I don’t know how to say it you know? Its an odd feeling I guess and I'm really not too sure of myself these days. Yesterday I was in the movie theatre with some of my friends and halfway through the movie I started thinking about you( isn’t that strange?) Anyways I imagined you sitting next to me wearing one of your sweaters to keep warm in the cold movie theatre-I pictured us holding hands on the arm rest, I know its a silly thing for me to think these things since I’ve only talked to you one time and I didn’t even ask for your name, but I made myself not look to my right so I couldn’t see that there was no one there. So that I could imagine you sitting there, just out of vision.

Saturday

So instead of studying I have decided to make a holiday play list for your guys with it's very own original artwork by yours truly! Try and hold back the excitement as best you can!

Anyways, I've been thinking of what I should put in my play list, like an overall theme, and I decided on mostly 80's/90's songs that deal with falling in love and falling out of it (which is basically most of the songs I listen to). Some of them deal with frustration ("Brassneck"), some with nostalgia ("Indian Summer") and others just sweet pop songs ("Pure").

The whole idea of this is to give you something to listen to when you're driving home from a New Year's Eve party and things may have not gone your way (or maybe they did) and you just need something that's a little sad.
Enough of me being a downer already, here's the list.



Track listing:

1. Hey Sandy by Polaris
2. Anorak Christmas by Nixon
3. Young Adult Fiction by The Pains of Being Pure At Heart
4. New Mate by Figurine
5. Strange by Galaxie 500
6. Pure by Lightning Seeds
7. White by The Field Mice
8. Different Drum by The Pastels
9. Indian Summer by Beat Happening
10. Contrast and Compare by Bright Eyes
11. She Keeps Me Alive by Nixon
12. Brassneck by The Wedding Present
13. Theme From Nice by Nice

Download:
http://www.mediafire.com/download.php?jojngdguioz


For those of you who dont have never downloaded an RAR file I'll tell you how.

1.You'll need WinRAR to get the songs out of the folder that they are zipped in. It's a free program (even though it will say you have to buy it just exit that little box).

2. Once that is installed double click on the folder that you downloaded from me (it should say "and go our seperate ways" with a stack of books next to it)

3. Click on "extract" at the top and choose where you want to save the songs.

Wallah

Those instructions were if you were using Windows. If you have a mac you can probably just click on it and it will tell you how to extract it by linking you to the program you need.

Thanks if you downloaded-let me know what you think.

Monday

I'm trying to grow a beard and I think I am going to start a new blog (I wont stop this one though).

Sunday

I think I may drift away from the normal made up stories for a while. I can’t think of anything to write so I figure I’ll just post whatever I feel like. I’m not saying I wont post any of my day dreams, but for the time being I am all day dreamed out.


So last night I went to the library to study and I left at around 10 and started walking back to my dorm. It’s only about a five-minute walk and I cut across the rec fields and walked next to the tennis courts to get to the main lobby. Before I reached the front of the lobby I looked up and saw this really cute girl standing on the sidewalk in front of me. I looked down for a bit, not making anything of it, and then I glanced up again and she was looking at me-then she smiled. I was kind of in shock because strangers usually don’t smile at me, especially the cute ones.
I’ve been working on trying to smile without showing my teeth because I think I look goofy when I do so I gave her one of those straight line smiles that just looked like “hey how’s it going…” in a weird awkward way. As soon as I flashed my would be smile I just glanced down and kept walking towards the steps of my dorm. I turned to look at her as I walked up the stairs and I thought she was looking at me so I thought about giving her a wave since, in all probability, I wouldn’t see her again-but I chickened out.
I swiped my card and walked inside and was decided I would go out and wave to her, at least I wouldn’t feel like a total loser. So I walked back outside and she was walking up the sidewalk towards my dorm talking to a guy coming the opposite direction. I walked across the street to the parking garage, waited a few seconds, and went up to my dorm.

Monday

I need to write more blogs.

Thursday

So Baylor has this literary magazine for undergraduate students that they publish each year. I figured "Why not" and decided to try and write a short story in the hope that it may get published. Of course they don't start taking admissions until January, so I have quite the head start on this. I had posted my rough draft earlier, but I've now finalized it and this is the version I am submitting. I changed a log of stuff (or at least I feel like I have.) Let me know what you think.

Oh and leave your name too.

Notice the Waves in His Hair
by Brian Sanders

He had just barely caught the plane, jogging into the cabin just as the stewardess was closing the door. She had never seen him before. Watching, she prayed he was to be the one sitting in the empty seat next to her. He looked at his ticket and walked down the aisle, checking each row number carefully. He stopped at her row, looked at her, and flashed a weak smile. Instantly she felt the strings of her heart that were tied to the corners of his mouth tighten. She smiled back and watched as he put his backpack into the overhead luggage container. They would be spending the next twelve hours together as they made their way over the Pacific Ocean in the dead of night, and she couldn’t think of another person she’d rather spend it next to.

The plane began to climb and she began to relax and watch the city lights of Los Angeles disappear from the air in the dimming light. She tried not to glance at him too much, but the temptation was too great: he was reading an Richard Yates book and drinking soda from a small plastic cup. Every now and then he’d eat a few peanuts, never taking his eyes off of the book. She closed her eyes and imagined what his apartment looked like.

Images of a room filled with sleek modern furniture flashed in her mind. There were books scattered around the room, “Organized chaos” she thought. She’d clean everything up and organize all of his books, finding the time he couldn’t. Her daydreams began to get more intricate and she convinced herself that he had a dog and even though she was a cat person she would be willing to compromise. She would ask her mom to take Alfred in (she had always loved that cat). Her mom would be more than happy to.

It was still raining and she could hear its soft patter against the window. Only a few lights were on in the airplane compartment, it was late and almost everyone was fast asleep. She turned and looked at him. His eyes were closed and his book lay open in his lap, he hadn’t read too much. “He probably bought it in the airport” she thought. She turned and looked out the window. The clouds moved by quickly as the plane cut them in half. Every now and then the plane would rock slightly in the turbulence. All of a sudden the plane gave a violent lurch and the man next to her stirred, and still asleep, rested his head comfortably on her shoulder. “Should I wake him?” she thought. She stared at the top of his head; waves of thick blonde hair, his mouth was slightly open and she could hear him breathing steadily. It was as if they were dating and she tried to imagine what it would be like to be in a relationship.
She’d go to the grocery store before he woke up and fill up his empty refrigerator with the essentials that he had been living without. She wouldn’t tell him what she had done, no, it would be better to surprise him so he could see how much she loved him. She could see it all now. She’d be sitting at the kitchen table pretending to read the newspaper. He’d give her a kiss on the top of her head, ask for the sports section and make his way to the fridge to pour a glass of milk. Wiping the sleep from his eyes he’d open the fridge door and find that, to his surprise, it was filled with groceries. Everything that he had meant to go buy later that week would be there. She had saved him the time and the trip. She would sit there smiling, not saying a word; he’d turn and look at her. He’d flash a mile, “thanks honey”, pull her close, close enough to where she could feel the whiskers on his cheeks, and he would give her a kiss on the lips, yes on the lips, and she imagined herself smiling in between kisses.

“No, I’m not moving” she decided.

She prayed that someone would walk by to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, just so they could see him using her shoulder as a pillow. She’d make eye contact with the passing stranger and give a weak smile and a look that would say, “Deep down, he’s really not so tough”. They were just two young lovers with their whole life in front of them, madly in love with each other.
She stared out the window and could see the stars; unwavering and twinkling, still so far away even this high up. She drifted in and out of sleep dreaming of the life they’d have. Falling asleep outside under the cloudy autumn skies, weekends spent at the beach, bringing him home to meet her parents, moving in together and getting used to all of his little nuances. She’d accept them all with a smile. She loved him.

She could see the sunshine through her eyelids that morning. She glanced at him, still fast asleep on her shoulder, a small puddle of drool growing on her sweater. She smiled.”So it wasn’t all a dream.” She leaned over and kissed his head, only slightly, a small kiss to let him know that she loved him. His eyes fluttered open, surprised and awake.
“What are you doing?” he whispered harshly at her
“Nothing I was just…I….I….I don’t know. I’m sorry” she was stuttering now, at a loss for words.
He rubbed his eyes, and looked at her with a confused look on his face. She couldn’t take it anymore, tears swelled up in the corners of her eyes like small puddles. She wiped them away and turned out the window, embarrassed and angry all at once.
“So it had all come down to this. It was bound to happen sooner or later. I always loved him more than he loved me that- was for sure. But here, now, like this? Couldn’t he have been kinder about it? I have sacrificed so much for him, for us. I sacrificed my job, my friends, everything all for him, and for what? Nothing. Not even a ‘thanks for everything that you’ve done for me”
The plane began to descend and the seat belt sign came on. She felt her ears begin to pop with the pressure. Gripping the armrests she looked at him out of the corner of her eye. He was still sitting there, reading that stupid Richard Yates book. She watched the waves in his hair and instantly she was taken back to the beginning of their relationship, how happy she was then and how much she had loved him, even now.